I come across this article on yahoo website and find it very interesting as it. Actually, I do find myself quite naggy thus this article should come in handy. Yeah... a guy to be naggy... I've taken after my mum lah... haha... Here goes the article.
In marriage, or any partnership, chores are a huge source of conflict. How do you get your sweetheart to hold up his or her end, without nagging?
One of my best friends from college has a very radical solution: she and her husband don’t assign. That’s right. They never say, “Get me a diaper,” “The trash needs to go out,” etc. This only works because neither one of them is a slacker, but still — what a tactic! And they have three children!
This is something to strive for. But even if we can’t reach that point, most of us could cut back on the nagging. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:
1. It’s annoying to hear a hectoring voice, so suggest tasks without words. When my husband needs a prescription filled, he puts his empty medicine bottle on the bathroom counter. Then I know to get it re-filled.
2. If you need to voice a reminder, limit yourself to one word. Instead of barking out, “Now remember, I’ve told you a dozen times, stop off at the grocery store, we need milk, if you forget, you’re going right back out!” Instead, call out, “Grocery store!” or “Milk!”
3. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule. “You’ve got to trim those hedges today!” Says who? Try, “When are you planning to trim the hedges?” If possible, show why something needs to be done by a certain time. “Will you be able to trim the hedges before our party next week?”
4. Remind your partner that it’s better to decline a task than to break a promise. My husband told me that he’d emailed some friends to tell them we had to miss their dinner party to go to a family dinner—but he hadn’t. Then I had to cancel at the last minute. Now I tell him, “You don’t have to do it. But tell me, so I can it.”
5. Have clear assignments. I always call repairmen; he always empties the Diaper Genie.
6. Every once in a while, do your sweetheart’s task, for a treat. This kind of pitching-in wins enormous goodwill.
7. Assign chores based on personal priorities. I hate a messy bedroom more than my husband, but he hates a messy kitchen more than I. So I do more tidying in the bedroom, and he does more in the kitchen.
8. Do it yourself. I used to be annoyed because we never had cash in the house. Then I realized: why did I get to assign that job? Now I do it, and we always have cash, and I’m not annoyed.
9. Settle for a partial victory. Maybe your partner won’t put dishes in the dishwasher, but getting them from the family room into the sink is a big improvement.
10. Re-frame: decide that you don't mind doing a chore — like putting clothes in the hamper or hanging up wet towels. Surprisingly, this is easier than you’d think.
11. Don’t push for the impossible. My husband knows that there’s no way I’ll do anything relating to our car, so he doesn’t even ask.
12. No carping from the sidelines. If your partner got the kids dressed, don’t mock the outfits. If you want something done your way, do it yourself.
13. Think about how money might be able to buy some cheap happiness. Could you find a teenager to mow the lawn? Could you hire a weekly cleaning service? Could you buy prepared foods? Eliminating conflict in a relationship is a high happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if it can help.
14. Remember that messy areas tend to stay messy, and tidy areas tend to stay tidy. If you want your partner to be neat, be neat yourself!
I admit that these tips are practically useless, however, in a situation where one person is absolutely oblivious for the need for chores to be done. I have it easy, because if anything, my husband is more chore-oriented than I am. If a person simply does not care, it’s practically impossible to get him or her to participate.
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Friday, 10 April 2009
Shout!! To Close the Gap
After reading this article I found on Pravs World, it suddenly daunt on me why we shout when we are angry and actually so near to each other. This made me realise that our hearts are actually very far apart when we are angry. The article also explain that we should not let our hearts get distant. We should pull together. I believe this doesn't apply to couples but to any relationship as well, be it family, friends, relatives and colleagues.
'Why do we shout in anger?' A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
His disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.
''But, why do you shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?
'Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...
'The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.
'MORAL' said the saint: 'When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return!'
'Why do we shout in anger?' A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
His disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.
''But, why do you shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?
'Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...
'The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.
'MORAL' said the saint: 'When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return!'
Thursday, 9 April 2009
A Touching Story (A couple's one month notice before divorce)
I read this article on flowerpod. I find it very touching and decided to put it on my blog. From this story, it also daunt on me that not only must we notice the small details of your partner's, we must also take notice of these little details of our family members too. It is those small details that we see in our loved ones that we must appreciate our loved ones.
"When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her knowwhat I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, she had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew. I didn't love her anymore, I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spentten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry forher wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what Ihad said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actuallya kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing somethingat the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fellasleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a months time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly andthought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has toface the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention wasexplicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, weboth appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummyin his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to theoffice.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on mychest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that Ihadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realised shewas not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense ofintimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday work-out made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a fewdresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me, .. she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.
Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become anessential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my necks oftly and naturally. I held her body tightly, it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I Held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school.I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lackedintimacy.I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking thedoor. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walkedupstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realise that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property , the money inthe bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you, but if you do, you just might save a marriage.- Author unknown - "
"When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her knowwhat I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, she had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew. I didn't love her anymore, I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spentten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry forher wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what Ihad said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actuallya kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing somethingat the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fellasleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a months time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly andthought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has toface the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention wasexplicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, weboth appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummyin his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to theoffice.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on mychest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that Ihadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realised shewas not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense ofintimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday work-out made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a fewdresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me, .. she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.
Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become anessential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my necks oftly and naturally. I held her body tightly, it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I Held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school.I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lackedintimacy.I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking thedoor. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walkedupstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realise that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property , the money inthe bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you, but if you do, you just might save a marriage.- Author unknown - "
Saturday, 24 January 2009
An interesting article again
Haha... seems i'm writing more articles than any other things.
Recently, I read an article on Mind Your Body. The title is "Love's No Fairy Tale". I find that this title fully describes what should be on everyone's mind when it comes to love. There is more to love than fairy-tale romance and happily-ever-after. It is the basics that everyone should be aware of. Underlying the romance, sweetness, blissful feeling, etc of a relationship is the nitty-gritty stuff and outlook of a person that actually make or break a relationship.
The author has placed a few words which I feel are some of the nitty-gritty stuff.
1) In-laws
2) Family planning
3) Babies
4) Combined CPF
5) Parenthood
6) Home Loan
7) Job Security/Advancement
8) Bills
9) Quality Time
10) Mid-life crisis
11) Health care
12) Retirement plan
13) Disability insurance
14) Menopause
15) Marriage counselling
And the list goes on. These items are very real. They are all part and parcel of life. When a couple comes together, such things will surface more prominently. Unable to handle them can lead to lots of friction and fairy-tale will become nightmare for some.
One friend told me that her friend was arguing with his girlfriend about almost everything. It is not the big issues that they are quarrelling but more of nitty-gritty stuffs. These will be affected by a person's character, upbringing, values, etc. Arguing would not solve the problem and it will only cause cracks to be deeper. It is always good to understand the root of everything so that we are in a better position to move forward.
The author also mentioned a german philosopher Arther Schopenhauer who describes love is an overwhelming biological urge dedicated to one purpose and one purpose only - procreation. The feeling of being together, loving each other and blissfully together are nature's way of tricking us into having babies. This concept doesn't really stand in this current era is because many couples prefer to have only the two of them and not bring in another living being in their world. Coming to think of that, when a woman loves the man of her life, she'll willing bear the pain of going through labour to give birth to a child. Thinking further, nurturing a child requires much effort too. We should acknowledge and applaud the self-sacrificing of woman.
We should not be blinded by all the colours and fun. We should also try handle life realistically and examine the underlying issues while enjoying the fairy-tale.
Recently, I read an article on Mind Your Body. The title is "Love's No Fairy Tale". I find that this title fully describes what should be on everyone's mind when it comes to love. There is more to love than fairy-tale romance and happily-ever-after. It is the basics that everyone should be aware of. Underlying the romance, sweetness, blissful feeling, etc of a relationship is the nitty-gritty stuff and outlook of a person that actually make or break a relationship.
The author has placed a few words which I feel are some of the nitty-gritty stuff.
1) In-laws
2) Family planning
3) Babies
4) Combined CPF
5) Parenthood
6) Home Loan
7) Job Security/Advancement
8) Bills
9) Quality Time
10) Mid-life crisis
11) Health care
12) Retirement plan
13) Disability insurance
14) Menopause
15) Marriage counselling
And the list goes on. These items are very real. They are all part and parcel of life. When a couple comes together, such things will surface more prominently. Unable to handle them can lead to lots of friction and fairy-tale will become nightmare for some.
One friend told me that her friend was arguing with his girlfriend about almost everything. It is not the big issues that they are quarrelling but more of nitty-gritty stuffs. These will be affected by a person's character, upbringing, values, etc. Arguing would not solve the problem and it will only cause cracks to be deeper. It is always good to understand the root of everything so that we are in a better position to move forward.
The author also mentioned a german philosopher Arther Schopenhauer who describes love is an overwhelming biological urge dedicated to one purpose and one purpose only - procreation. The feeling of being together, loving each other and blissfully together are nature's way of tricking us into having babies. This concept doesn't really stand in this current era is because many couples prefer to have only the two of them and not bring in another living being in their world. Coming to think of that, when a woman loves the man of her life, she'll willing bear the pain of going through labour to give birth to a child. Thinking further, nurturing a child requires much effort too. We should acknowledge and applaud the self-sacrificing of woman.
We should not be blinded by all the colours and fun. We should also try handle life realistically and examine the underlying issues while enjoying the fairy-tale.
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